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Columnist Heloise amuses audience at Lubbock Women's Club

By Ray Westbrook
AVALANCHE-JOURNAL


(STEPHAN SPILLMAN/Lubbock Avalanche-Journal)

Second generation columnist Heloise signs her book for Leslie Gossett of San Angelo at The Lubbock Women's Club on Thursday, March 29th 2012.

Heloise has lived life on the edge and often turned it into a joke.

She drew laughter repeatedly Thursday during her guest appearance at a luncheon program of the Lubbock Women’s Club speaker series.

Recalling how her mother — the original Heloise — attempted to give her the Hints from Heloise column, she had told her she didn’t want it.

“I said, ‘Mother, I don’t want to be Heloise.’

“Mother said, ‘If you’re not going to take the column, I’m going to give it to your cousin Melinda.’

“I said, ‘Fine.’

Heloise
(STEPHAN SPILLMAN/Lubbock Avalanche-Journal)

Second generation speaks at The Lubbock Women's Club on Thursday, March 29th 2012.

“But she didn’t want it either.”

Her harrowing experiences have been real, it’s just that she recounts them with the machine gun speed of a professional comedian.

“I got to fly with the Blue Angels in an FA-18. My syndicate called me: ‘Heloise, why are you doing this?’ They were afraid I was going to die and then they wouldn’t make any money off of me.”

She went on the flight anyway, and remembers an observer reported to the pilot that an engine was on fire, a tire had blown, and a line was hanging from the plane.

“I’m hearing all of this. I’m thinking, I’m going to have to eject from this plane, and when they find my body, I’m wearing black pokadot boxer shorts and a red top — I don’t match. I’m going to die, and I’m worried about what I look like when they find my body.”

Heloise
(STEPHAN SPILLMAN/Lubbock Avalanche-Journal)

Second generation speaks at The Lubbock Women's Club on Thursday, March 29th 2012.

She also is capable of sober moments, however. “I wasn’t scared. My father thought I was going to die ... it hurt me that he thought I was going to die.”

After the flight, she told him she loved him and promised to never do it again.

She also recalled a skydiving experience. “I got to do a tandem parachute jump with the Golden Knights from 17,500 feet. You’re strapped to the parachuter. You feel like a turtle. I was in my little yellow jumpsuit, and pulled out a lipstick and my little compact.”

The audience laughed hilariously.

Heloise doesn’t want to be called anything but Heloise, but she has other names.

“When I was born, I was named Kiah after my grandfather Hezekia from the Bible. My name is supposed to be Michelle.”

When it came time for her father to fill out the birth certificate, he was still shaken from just having donated blood to her mother.

“The doctor told one of the nurses to go into the doctor’s office and bring my father a shot of scotch. So, when he filled out the birth certificate, he spelled it ‘Michelle.’

“It’s supposed to be Marchelle after my father, Marshal Cruse.”

She added, “My first name is Ponze.”

There are other names involved, and there was consternation about how to formalize it legally in later years. She and her mother took the matter to lawyers and a judge.

It became Ponze Kiah Marchelle Heloise Cruse Evans.

Just call her Heloise, she says.

Read more: http://lubbockonline.com/local-news/2012-03-29/columnist-heloise-amuses-audience-lubbock-womens-club#

© 2012 Lubbock Avalanche-Journal ©2012. All rights reserved.



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