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Columnist spin-cycles through KC
By TIM ENGLE
The Kansas City Star
(MIKE RANSDELL/The
Kansas City Star) |
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She can help you get stains out of clothes
but she’s also Heloise on wheels. Heloise was in Kansas
City last week tooling around in her Russian motorcycle.
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Well, it’s not every day you find yourself zipping around
downtown Kansas City in the sidecar of a camouflage-green Russian
motorcycle driven by a celebrity with one name.
Sorry to disappoint you, Fabio fans, but we’re talking Heloise
here. Heloise, queen of household hints. Or, as she calls herself
these days, “America’s No. 1 lifestyle manager.”
We don’t know what Martha Stewart was doing back in 1977,
but that was the year the first Heloise — this Heloise’s
mom — died, and Heloise II took over her newspaper column.
These days Hints From Heloise runs in 450-some papers (look for
it periodically on FYI’s Solutions page). This Heloise, 55,
has also written 11 books and contributes to Good Housekeeping.
Next year the silver fox who can get any stain out of anything
will celebrate 30 years as a columnist.
But none of this explains what she was doing in Cowtown last week
on that Russian motorcycle or how a certain FYI reporter ended up
riding shotgun — or machine gun, as the case may be.
Here’s the deal. Between them, Heloise and husband David Evans
— he’s a retired plumbing/heating/AC contractor, builder
and risk evaluator — have five motorcycles at their home in
San Antonio. Heloise has been a biker babe, or at least had a motorcycle
license, since 1975.
Three of their cycles are sidecar models. Now, granted, you could
argue about whether a motorcycle with a sidecar is a real motorcycle
or an ATV putting on airs, but we won’t do that here. Anyway,
one of the sidecar bikes is an Italian job (a Moto Guzzi; Heloise
calls it Sophia), and it needed some adjustments. As it happens,
there’s a place in this neck of the woods that works on them:
Harper’s Moto Guzzi in Greenwood in Jackson County.
So Mr. Heloise thought he’d bring his bike up here. Later
the couple decided they’d bring their Russian cycle along because,
what the heck, they might want to do some off-roading. Heloise thought
the trip would be a good chance to drop in at some of the papers
that carry her, so she started making calls and promising sidecar
rides to editors and such.
But once they started loading up their SUV and trailer for the
10-day adventure, there was so much stuff — Heloise’s
office-on-the-road stuff, their miniature schnauzer Cabernet’s
stuff, la la la — there was no room for the Italian motorcycle.
You know, the reason for the trip. The Russian cycle couldn’t
stay behind, because then Heloise would be a welcher.
(MIKE RANSDELL/The
Kansas City Star) |
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It’s safety first for Heloise (here with
reporter Tim Engle) when she offers rides on her Ural motorcycle
with sidecar. She brought an extra helmet and gloves, and
her bike has a spare tire, gas can and shovel.
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Heloise Full Throttle arrived at The Star on a gray, chilly morning
and immediately introduced us to her bike. It’s a Ural. Like
the Ural Mountains in, yes, Russia.
“I call her Svetlanya,” says the chatty, good-natured
Heloise, launching into a Texas-ized Russian accent. “She no
sexy. She no pretty. She sturdy and stout.”
Svetlanya is also accessorized. She boasts a gas container, a spare
tire and a shovel (when you’re in the Ural Mountains, you never
know when you might get stuck in snow). Oh, and a place on the front
of the sidecar to stick a machine gun. Or an extra spotlight.
Svetlanya also does something most motorcycles can’t: goes
in reverse. Heloise demonstrates this in the parking lot, going
backward in circles until you start seeing two of her.
The bike may look straight out of World War II, but it is actually
new, a 2005 model.
And on the open road, she purrs like a kitten.
OK, so we exaggerate. Our 10-minute ride through the Crossroads
area over to the West Side and back to Star Central is smooth enough,
though, despite Heloise’s warning that gear changes could be
a little clunky.
Actually, the best part about riding in a sidecar — besides
pretending that Heloise is a grime-fighting superhero and you are
her sidekick — is waving at people. Most folks waved back,
we’re happy to report. One guy, a passenger in a pickup truck,
lifted his hands and applauded.
All in all, a Hel(oise) of a good time.
As for the domestic goddess, she and the hubby would be headed
back to Texas, via Oklahoma. She had a speaking engagement with
some lucky Girl Scouts in Amarillo and a few more newspapers to
visit.
There’s no Heloise III in the wings — Heloise has a stepson,
who as far as we know is not famous for his household hints —
but H-II has no plans to retire. She’s adaptable; she keeps
up with technology. Plus, as she has discovered by speaking at colleges,
the kids may know how to text-message, but laundry is still a mystery.
“My thinking is, with each new generation that comes along,
they’re still gonna need me,” Heloise says. “Probably
even more!”
Undoubtedly. But in the meantime, can we please go for one more
spin in the sidecar?
Giving you Heloise
Heloise was not born Heloise, and neither was her mother.
Her mom was Eloise Bowles Cruse, who started writing a column for
housewives in the Honolulu Advertiser in 1959. When the column was
syndicated to other papers, it was suggested that Eloise become
Heloise and the column become Hints From Heloise.
Heloise II was born Kiah Machelle Cruse. (Should’ve been Michelle,
but her dad misspelled it.) As a young woman, her name was changed
to Poncé Kiah Marchelle Heloise Cruse. (Poncé was
a nickname; Marchelle was a tweak of Machelle in honor of her dad,
Marshal.) And now her last name is Evans.
But you can call her Heloise.
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